While working with people, leading different seminars and workshops, I often see people collapsing. Suddenly a very intense emotion arise in them, and they start crying, close their eyes and go deeper and deeper in the rotation of the whirl of helplessness, self pity, drama. I wait a little, then I say, now open your eyes. It immediately loosens the clenching of the emotion. The emotion is still there, but a tiny distance is created between the person who has identified himself with the emotion, and the one who can observe what is happening. The distance is very small, the observer cannot see clearly yet, but important is, that there is a separation between the part of the self which is in the trap and the one who sees it from outside.
Then I say, look into my eyes. One might think when I say this and look into the other persons' eyes, that I am doing something particular, that I am doing something. Maybe hypnosis, or suggesting some things to my client, or reading his thoughts, whatever. I am not doing anything, I just AM. I am there for my client, for whatever wants to happen. When this happens during the short interview before family constellations, I usually don't say anything. In other situation it happens, that I say: "I have been there as well." I have been in the hell as well, when we feel like we are overwhelmed with negative emotions we cannot control, where our hate, fury, envy, jealousy, self pity, shame, aggression dwells, all those feelings that make us feel so miserable, that destroy our everyday life in such a proportion, that we'd rather finish with it, quit. And so we do. We close ourselves in the isolated world of our righteousness, where there is always an outer enemy, or in the moments when no single outer enemy can be found, we attack ourselves and as an inquisitor of our own life we start to chastise ourselves.
However we do, until we are in identification with these emotions, there is no escape. We are the slaves of our own emotions and they can do whatever they want with us. When I say, "I have also been there", I assure my client, the person I am working with, that there is nothing wrong with being there. It is part of our human life, of our internal processes. In this simple sentence there is no judgment, no promises, no solution offered. It is just an acknowledgment of what it is. For me this is the expression of compassion, in its simplest form. I do not comment too much on this, am am just there, giving my support without the urging wish to help. A space is being created by this, and in this spaciousness the other person suddenly realizes, he is not there anymore. Maybe he still has tears in his eyes, he is still weeping, but in the meanwhile something has changed. In the acknowledging space suddenly there is no fight anymore against what it is. Whatever is, can be. The need to change things is not there, so acceptance happens by itself.
By accepting what is, the distance between the one who suffers and the observer grows, things can be seen more clearly, and once you see clearly, there is no victimization anymore. Seeing means you see processes, you see yourself and others in their own processes. Seeing means understanding and accepting. Seeing means compassion. Seeing means you become adult and you develop the courage and strength in yourself to feel your heart. Instead of sentimentalism you dare to feel love, wherever it takes you.
When I had a tea for the first time with Pressing Lajos, he just looked into my eyes about half an hour without asking or saying anything. It was the most terrifying tea I have ever had. No need to describe all my thoughts and emotions that showed up in this silent, permissive space. At the end, when I told him, that he really scared me and I that in my mind I have asked myself in many different ways why he is looking at me like that, he just smiled gently and answered, "The one who always looks at something, never sees anything."
And, as Wilfried Nelles said at his seminar, when he looks into the other person's eyes, he just lets himself be seen. There is no wanting, projecting, whatever. There is a first step done toward the other person: I let myself be seen, however I am in this moment. I do not protect myself, I let my heart be vulnerable.
For me this is trust and this is love: taking the risk to be hurt.
© Gergely Edó