2014. május 6., kedd

I have arrived. I am home.



There was a time of dreaming separately of a place, where silence dwells. Or maybe it was a common dream, only that we did not know about it. Then we met with Zsolt and started to put our dreams together. My dreams were fuzzy, feminine, with all kind of colorful shades, funny shapes, his dreams were structured, clear, exact zen dreams. But in their essence they have met, in their seeds of creating a place for silence, for community, for a different kind of life. But dark times came so often, that we hardly dared to follow our dreams. In this darkness of mind many times we have lost connection with our innermost strength, energies, light. There seemed to be no hope for our dream to get materialized, to come true. 

I was afraid, that it will not come true, it will stay false.

 One evening Zsolt said “Maybe we shouldn’t care so much about establishing a center out there. Maybe important is to have, to create this center in our hearts, and it is enough.” In that very moment I knew, the center will exist, we don’t hang on it any more. In the next days effortlessly I found the place for the center. We could see it is not a perfect place, but it is good enough for a start. Then dark times came again. Maybe not that dark, only grey enough to be able to continue our spiritual adventure with only half steps, half blind, leaded by our instincts, following the calling, but seeing not clear ways, only clear direction. In this time of transition, which meant also that of the original team of four persons we remained only two of us, I was the engine, which worked in the offline world (offline? I believe we are rather ON LINE while offline), and Zsolt was the quality maintainer, the one who kept on not making compromises, whatever happens. 

In this very difficult and painful times we questioned many times our relationship with our selves, with each other, with the others. We questioned our goals, our calling, our values. We questioned and questioned everything, and by this continuous questioning things slowly have settled down, a lot of illusions crashed, what remained was so little, that with it in our rucksack we could go further on, continue our trip, follow the road. This less is more situation made us take the decision to move into the spiritual center. I knew only, that this will bring changes. I could not predict, whether these are going to have minus or plus in front. I mourned our old rent, the old house with its beautiful garden, with my tree-friends in it. My heart knew, this is the next step and I do not have to be afraid of it. But my mind invented all kind of scenarios of what if we mix here all our energies, what if this will kill the center, what if this will destroy the family, what if, what if. 

I just could not arrive into the new situation, my soul was somewhere else, 
lost between the two houses, trying to find its home. 

As a symptom, I got a flu. I tried to run away into this physical sickness to not deal with the true problem. The true situation of being lost, of not finding my place, not feeling my home, being disoriented, insecure. Then yesterday evening my son took me to a walk into the Botanical Garden near which the center is located. When we arrived home, the apartment was full of sparkling light, the smell of the fresh bread just made by Zsolt, and we saw the pictures of the zen master, who lives in the loft. 

I have arrived. I am home.

 (photo by zsolt.ro)

(excuse me for my bad English, it is how it is)

© Gergely Edó

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